| My friend Eric used to be on the news every | | | | for all time and humanity would be happy |
| night on the NBC affiliate in Minneapolis. Just | | | | thereafter, I wouldn't do it. I guess I'm too selfish. |
| before the Sports segment came on, the news | | | | In my prime I used to do a bit of running (still do. |
| would play this quick little montage of local sports | | | | But I'm not in my prime). I used to enter three or |
| events, and Eric would be shown crossing the | | | | four ten K's in the Twin Cities per year. The big |
| finish line in the Twin Cities Marathon. Every single | | | | joke for my friends the day after one of my |
| night. | | | | races would be to ask: "Did you win?" That alone |
| His wife, Chris, thought that it had more to do | | | | would cause great mirth in and of itself and I |
| with Eric's appearence - blond, blue-eyed, | | | | wouldn't even have to answer. Well, no, as a |
| Scandanavian - than what a great athlete he was. | | | | matter of a fact, I never did win any of those |
| The actual winner of that race was Kenyan, as | | | | races. I was usually exactly in the middle of the |
| were the second and third place winners. Eric, I | | | | placings. When my age was factored in I placed |
| remember, ran about three hours and three | | | | considerably better. Anyways, I would occasionally |
| minutes, which is really great, but far out of the | | | | read Runner's World and came across an account |
| money for one of these deals. Like about | | | | of a woman racer who had done precisely what |
| forty-five minutes. So, you can see why he would | | | | that other woman had done. She'd lost bowel |
| be a suspicious choice to show on the clip reel for | | | | control during a race and persevered, and in the |
| athletic excellence if that's all you were going on. | | | | article she was very detailed about how it felt - |
| I was a spectator at that race, standing at the | | | | very detailed. |
| sidelines along with other of Eric's friends and was | | | | Ewwww! It was far too much information. This |
| watching as the actual front runners crossed and | | | | was long before I saw it first hand at Eric's race, |
| I happened to notice that the fifth place winner | | | | but until then I hadn't known that runners did this |
| had poohed herself. On the back of her legs there | | | | sort of icky thing. I guess I'd thought that if you |
| was this greenish-brown explosion of pooh that | | | | needed to go during a race, you found a gas |
| ran from the back of her running shorts down to | | | | station restroom, or something. That's what I |
| her sneakers. The announcer at this event, who | | | | would do. |
| was also doing the televised play by play, | | | | For non-runners, I know, the question is why |
| accurately reported that this woman had finished | | | | anyone runs at all. It's really one of those things |
| fifth overall for women and first in her age, but | | | | that you have to experience to understand, but I |
| he didn't report the one most important fact, | | | | believe the answer is that it's one thing humans |
| which was that she'd crapped on herself. I | | | | were designed to do. (intelligently. By Jehovah. In |
| thought he was a horrible announcer. | | | | one day). I've read that being able to run for long |
| How could you ommit the most impressive part | | | | distances was an advantage for human hunters, |
| of this woman's victory? She was so dedicated | | | | who would outlast their prey that could run fast |
| to winning that she bypassed the many | | | | for short distances, but couldn't outlast people in |
| port-o-pot ties along the route so that she could | | | | the long haul. For me, there is a sort of 'runner's |
| finish in the money. In her case that was five | | | | high', which isn't all that high anymore and |
| grand. | | | | definitely not the same as being high 'high', if you |
| It made me wonder. How much money would | | | | know what I mean. (Drugs are bad. Don't use |
| you have to pay me to take a dump in my | | | | drugs). And there's a bit of back to nature, since I |
| shorts and run for miles and miles at my top | | | | usually contrive to run somewhere where the |
| speed in front of hundreds of thousands of | | | | scenery is pretty. |
| people viewing me live and then millions more | | | | Lastly, it affords me the opportunity to eat like a |
| people watching on TV? Not five thousand, that's | | | | hog- not entirely anymore - and not have to pay |
| for sure. It would have to be a lot more than | | | | all the consequences thatI normally would. If I had |
| that, I can tell you. And this woman did it not for | | | | never run a single step in my life, I truly believe |
| a sure five thousand but just the chance that she | | | | that I would weigh four hundred pounds right now. |
| might win something. You know, even if you | | | | Never mind what I actually weigh; It's not four |
| assured me that I could guarantee world peace | | | | hundred. |