| There seems to be an endless stream of | | | | 6. I Love You To Death |
| idiotic things professional athletes do. I | | | | |
| guess if you put a bunch of young men | | | | Murdering ex-lovers doesn't happen very often |
| together, give them a boat-load of money and | | | | fortunately, but my list wouldn't be complete |
| lots of free time, what can you expect? When | | | | without at least mentioning O.J. |
| beautiful women, the media and the luxuries | | | | |
| of life are thrown at them, their cockiness | | | | 7. Rabbits |
| and stupidity are only amplified. Here are my | | | | |
| top ten, but of course there are lots more. | | | | It seems that there are a lot of NBA players |
| However, we must always remember, they are | | | | out there who use the phrase, "My baby's mom" |
| only human too. | | | | a little too often. And there's too many pro |
| | | | athletes' offspring introducing their buddies |
| 1. Me Make Good Play! | | | | as "My brother from another mother." Ever |
| | | | hear of a condom? |
| Ever see NFL players beat their chest like a | | | | |
| gorilla after they just made a good play? I | | | | 8. How Much Bling Bling Do You Need!? |
| guess it's a Tarzan thing or something, but | | | | |
| they look kinda ridiculous. Maybe if I was | | | | It's fascinating to watch professional |
| out there on the field and I was a 170-pound | | | | athletes blow through all their millions in |
| kicker watching a defensive lineman beating | | | | their first year or two and then have nothing |
| his chest after a sack, I may be a little | | | | left at retirement, which is usually only a |
| intimidated, but overall, they look really | | | | few years later. How many fifty-year-olds are |
| silly doing it. (I attended a professional | | | | still playing pro sports? Not many (minus |
| all-women's football game this year and saw a | | | | golfers of course, who will drag their canes |
| 350-pound woman do this, which was | | | | and oxygen tanks with them on the fairway). |
| particularly scary.) | | | | So why don't pro athletes save a couple of |
| | | | bucks? |
| 2. The God Factor, Part I | | | | |
| | | | 9. Love My Hog |
| I hate it when players point up to Heaven and | | | | |
| thank God after a good play too. Bear in mind | | | | It's not too smart to get injured off the job |
| however, that I am not criticizing religion | | | | when you're a pro athlete. Cleveland Browns |
| or anyone for having faith in God. But this | | | | Kellen Winslow Jr. crashed his motorcycle |
| just looks lame. It happens a lot in MLB for | | | | recently and will now miss the 2005 NFL |
| some reason. A strikeout will cause Pedro | | | | season. Jay Williams, a number one draft pick |
| Martinez to do the chest-touch and | | | | of the Chicago Bulls, also got into a |
| double-index-finger-point to God as if he and | | | | motorcycle accident and has not played since. |
| God were chatting earlier about possible | | | | What's with motorcycles anyhow? Talk about |
| pitching strategies in the locker room, and | | | | killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. |
| the strategy they chose together worked, so | | | | |
| he had to personally thank God using his | | | | 10. "When You Come To a Fork in the Road, |
| direct line. | | | | Take It" - Yogi Berra |
| | | | |
| 3. The God Factor, Part II | | | | Saying really dumb things in the media seems |
| | | | to be a particularly easy thing to do if |
| Locker rooms, sidelines, dugouts, bullpens, | | | | you're a professional athlete. I looked in a |
| and court sides are often full of praying | | | | lot of places online to come up with a good |
| men. One question: "If you are praying to | | | | list here. My problem was that there were so |
| win, and your opponent is praying to win, who | | | | many good ones, I wasn't sure which ones to |
| does God choose? | | | | pick. But here are a few gems:a. Paul Hamm, |
| | | | Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, |
| 4. Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do When | | | | especially my mother and father."b. Baseball |
| They Come For You? | | | | player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a |
| | | | pitch: "They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the |
| Why do pro jocks get arrested for drug and/or | | | | father of five or six kids."c. Football coach |
| gun possession so much? Of course, lots of | | | | Ray Malavasi: "I don't care what the tape |
| people do this one unfortunately, we just | | | | says. I didn't say it."d. Baseball player |
| happen to hear about the famous athletes who | | | | Dizzy Dean, after a 1-0 game: "The game was |
| do. C'mon guys, keep the drugs at home, stop | | | | closer than the score indicated."e. Boxing |
| driving while high, and for crying out loud, | | | | Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and |
| stop packin'! You don't need a gun. Who's | | | | even some deaths in boxing, but none of them |
| going to harm you? You're six six and weigh | | | | really that serious."f. Soccer commentator: |
| 275 pounds! | | | | "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like |
| | | | they've got eleven Dicks on the field."g. |
| 5. It Wasn't Me! | | | | Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh Steelers coach: |
| | | | "We're not attempting to circumcise rules."h. |
| Telling Congress you don't do steroids, then | | | | Jim Wohford: "Ninety percent of the game is |
| getting caught doing steroids is pretty dumb. | | | | half mental."i. Joe Theismann: "Nobody in |
| I loved watching the clips where Rafael | | | | football should be called a genius. A genius |
| Palmero sat pointing a finger at the | | | | is a guy like Norman Einstein."j. Charles |
| Congressional hearing stating with disgust | | | | Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team: |
| and confidence, "I do not take steroids." And | | | | "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. |
| then the next clip showing him apologizing | | | | I'm amphibious."k. Shaquille O'Neal, on his |
| profusely for taking steroids. | | | | lack of championships: "I've won at every |
| | | | level, except college and pro. |